saw this and thought how beautiful, didn't meant to steal it just love it
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Monday, June 18, 2018
Mind will not stop yakking
Today, I am feeling sad, because I am thinking about Jim, and how much I miss him in some ways.I am not sure how to get him out of my mind, probably because some days I don't want him out. I know when I was with him I wanted him to leave, and he did, and for the most part I am ok, there are days I remember how wonderful it felt to be in his arms and in his bed. I have met several new guys, but they all seem to want me to be something else, not me, and they do not even know me, most haven't even met me, and yet they are saying I want this and I don't want that, like I am a made to order pizza. made for their pleasure and at their leisure .Some how I don't even want to meet these guys, and it makes me angry that now I have real trust issues. and that I don't know how to get rid of.
live and learn
For countless years i have had mind talk, most of which wasn't pleasant, 90%was probably criticism, bashing and shaming myself for not being up to my expectations.
I have tried to overcome this sort of torture and be kinder to my self,
A few moments ago I found myself again bashing, and thought wait a moment, most of the things I did wrong were be cause of lack of knowledge, not stupidity on myself,
I have had the time and effort to really look at what I have spent years doing and had I know how to solve and handle my problems I would have been great, or at least happier.
I promice not to bash myself becuse I didn't know this earler, live and learn
I have tried to overcome this sort of torture and be kinder to my self,
A few moments ago I found myself again bashing, and thought wait a moment, most of the things I did wrong were be cause of lack of knowledge, not stupidity on myself,
I have had the time and effort to really look at what I have spent years doing and had I know how to solve and handle my problems I would have been great, or at least happier.
I promice not to bash myself becuse I didn't know this earler, live and learn
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Lessons learned
On January 12 it would have been my 56 wedding anniversary, Had I remained married, At 4am, I woke up and couldn't think why the date was of any importance. It is and yet wasn't,
Later on in the day I talked to my daughter and told her about 56. , she was amazed to say the least, but in talking I came to realize that it wasn't the anniversary that was important, but rather the time I have been on my own.
I was married in 1962, age 19 had 3 children and left my husband in 1978. My husband kept the children, but I had to support them, and did until my children left their fathers home. He never held a job for more than 3 months.There was of course a lot of back stabbing as I was the one out there doing "my thing" that is what he told my kids mom isn't calling or visiting because I was doing my thing. My thing was working my butt off trying to keep the family in a home and fed,
It was in 1990 that I finally got to set this impression straight. and start my life on my own.I got a divorce and then started working for my future and my self.
Now there is a sad little secret in here , I was a person with extremely low self esteem, I lived in constant fear, every day when I went to work I believed I was going to be fired, and it was so bad that I gave every ounce of life I had to doing a good job. I allowed my boss's to use me and never thought about the harm it was doing to me. I worked for years and years at minimum wage because it was what I thought I deserved, I was looking after businesses that paid the dishwasher more than me who did all the cooking and was responsible for every thing in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask for more money, they knew it and were delighted to take advantage of it.
On that note it was only when I turned 70 did I learn of my true worth. as the old saying goes, to little to late.
But there is a golden side to this story, because I did what I did, and was able to get my very own little condo, I have a fairly good life, because my wants are little and my needs are with in my budget.
Yes there is a lot I missed, I do not own a car never have , don't miss it, vacations are small and limited but that is ok as well. I went through the mountain and came out stronger and much more stable than when I started
Later on in the day I talked to my daughter and told her about 56. , she was amazed to say the least, but in talking I came to realize that it wasn't the anniversary that was important, but rather the time I have been on my own.
I was married in 1962, age 19 had 3 children and left my husband in 1978. My husband kept the children, but I had to support them, and did until my children left their fathers home. He never held a job for more than 3 months.There was of course a lot of back stabbing as I was the one out there doing "my thing" that is what he told my kids mom isn't calling or visiting because I was doing my thing. My thing was working my butt off trying to keep the family in a home and fed,
It was in 1990 that I finally got to set this impression straight. and start my life on my own.I got a divorce and then started working for my future and my self.
Now there is a sad little secret in here , I was a person with extremely low self esteem, I lived in constant fear, every day when I went to work I believed I was going to be fired, and it was so bad that I gave every ounce of life I had to doing a good job. I allowed my boss's to use me and never thought about the harm it was doing to me. I worked for years and years at minimum wage because it was what I thought I deserved, I was looking after businesses that paid the dishwasher more than me who did all the cooking and was responsible for every thing in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask for more money, they knew it and were delighted to take advantage of it.
On that note it was only when I turned 70 did I learn of my true worth. as the old saying goes, to little to late.
But there is a golden side to this story, because I did what I did, and was able to get my very own little condo, I have a fairly good life, because my wants are little and my needs are with in my budget.
Yes there is a lot I missed, I do not own a car never have , don't miss it, vacations are small and limited but that is ok as well. I went through the mountain and came out stronger and much more stable than when I started
Time flys
it has been quite a while since I posted.It is also been a great year for self discovery.
I believe the most important one has been self discipline. God I hate that word, it makes my skin crawl, because in my head I see all sorts of discipline that I believed were true.
First off it was hard to maintain, second almost impossible to do.
Wrong on both counts.
The only way I could come to understand and practice it was to remember when I used it before and bringing that success forward.
It is sort of like getting a needle, It looks awful the pain in fact is negotiable, and there after it isn't a problem.
I have become a bit better at selecting better choices, and I do not let the things fall where they may.
I have to admit my entire life has been a battle against discipline, and have paid a hefty price. but for my part it was discipline dispensed by others that I felt forced to live under. It is not that I knew better, it just went against my grain, so I threw out all forms of self care.
Now I am able to take control of my self and am a much better feeling person.
I believe the most important one has been self discipline. God I hate that word, it makes my skin crawl, because in my head I see all sorts of discipline that I believed were true.
First off it was hard to maintain, second almost impossible to do.
Wrong on both counts.
The only way I could come to understand and practice it was to remember when I used it before and bringing that success forward.
It is sort of like getting a needle, It looks awful the pain in fact is negotiable, and there after it isn't a problem.
I have become a bit better at selecting better choices, and I do not let the things fall where they may.
I have to admit my entire life has been a battle against discipline, and have paid a hefty price. but for my part it was discipline dispensed by others that I felt forced to live under. It is not that I knew better, it just went against my grain, so I threw out all forms of self care.
Now I am able to take control of my self and am a much better feeling person.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)