I do not remember the last time I did a post, Today is January 28,2023, On Jan 17 one day before my birthday I had a mini stroke, I choose to dismiss it because the symptoms usually went away in a few hours or a day. Not so much this time I am still feeling way off center, and have allowed the consequences of the stroke to scare the living life out of me.

I find that almost every decision I make is a guess/judgement of time, and that always seems to be a very short time, I find myself saying well I won't buy this because I might not be alive to receive it next week, and this is scarring the hell out of me. I do have chats with self but it is not working, and I do not know how to deal with this,

There is no way that I have proof that I will die  very soon, nor do I have proof that I have years ahead of me. that being said I guess that I must find a way of accepting what is going on and hope/work for the best, I am going to act like I have all the time in the world and enjoy it rather than run scared and helpless. I wish myself all the best 

Open my eyes that I may see the beautiful gifts I have for the

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A few days ago I sat on the edge of hell, it was hideous, evil, and a horror show. A soft voice beside me told me I was born loving, caring but I could/would not take the pill. My friend was standing in hell and I gave him the message compassionate person, but that I had been led astray in my quest to help
Today is May 19 and the vision that I had is fading away and I still worry about my friend as he chose to remain where he was. I was so devastated that I could /would not watch him be destroyed, and for a month I never spoke to him. We are speaking again but it like I have lost all feelings for him. I tried so many times and failed them all. so now I speak but do not worry near as much as before,
I guess it is true that we make our own fate.
Speaking of switch I have found a new friend he is a lovely man but I know very little about him so no rushing and hurry to get involved. Yes I want a companion but will it work out I have no idea, only time will tell. I do have good feelings about him again time will tell

Think before you act

I know it takes me a few time to get something right. Particularly when it involves Jim. I believed I was very angry with him and just couldn't let it go. Then I had my ah-ha moment it wasn't Jim I was angry with it was at myself for falling for his same old BS.
I had somehow convinced myself that he had changed. Of course, he hadn't. All I had to do was remember him talking about his childhood and how he took off and left his sisters to do whatever he was supposed to do. They covered his butt because he was always playing hooky from school and didn't do what he was supposed to do. He found out that they would do almost anything to keep him from getting a beating. Talk about "spare the rod and spoil the child ".
I honestly believe he has spent his life finding women and manipulating them to take care of him.
With that knowledge gained I believe I will not fall for this "Oh poor me" routine.
And I can honestly say I am really happy I figured this out, I hated being angry and resentful all the time.
So good on for me, and I hope I remember this because he will return. He always does

saw this and thought how beautiful, didn't meant to steal it just love it

Mind will not stop yakking

Today, I am feeling sad, because I am thinking about Jim, and how much I miss him in some ways.I am not sure how to get him out of my mind, probably because some days I don't want him out. I know when I was with him I wanted him to leave, and he did, and for the most part I am ok, there are days I remember how wonderful it felt to be in his arms and in his bed. I have met several new guys, but they all seem to want me to be something else, not me, and they do not even know me, most haven't even met me, and yet they are saying I want this and I don't want that, like I am a made to order pizza. made for their pleasure and at their leisure .Some how I don't even want to meet these guys, and it makes me angry that now I have real trust issues. and that I don't know how to get rid of.

live and learn

For countless years i have had mind talk, most of which wasn't pleasant, 90%was probably criticism, bashing and shaming myself for not being up to my expectations.
I have tried to overcome this sort of torture and be kinder to my self,
A few moments ago I found myself again bashing, and thought wait a moment, most of the things I did wrong were be cause of lack of knowledge, not stupidity on myself,
I have had the time and effort to really look at what I have spent years doing and had I know how to solve and handle my problems I would have been great, or at least happier.
I promice not to bash myself becuse I didn't know this earler, live and learn

Lessons learned

On January 12 it would have been my 56 wedding anniversary, Had I remained married, At 4am, I woke up and couldn't think why the date was of any importance. It is and yet wasn't,
Later on in the day I talked to my daughter and told her about 56. , she was amazed to say the least, but in talking I came to realize that it wasn't the anniversary that was important, but rather the time I have been on my own.
I was married in 1962, age 19 had 3 children and left my husband in 1978. My husband kept the children, but I had to support them, and did until my children left their fathers home. He never held a job for more than 3 months.There was of course a lot of back stabbing as I was the one out there doing "my thing" that is what he told my kids mom isn't calling or visiting because I was doing my thing. My thing was working my butt off trying to keep the family in a home and fed,
It was in 1990 that I finally got to set this impression straight. and  start my life on my own.I got a divorce and then started working for my future and my self.
Now there is a sad little secret in here , I was a person with extremely low self esteem, I lived in constant fear, every day when I went to work I believed I was going to be fired, and it was so bad that I gave every ounce of life I had to doing a good job. I allowed my boss's to use me and never thought about the harm it was doing to me. I worked for years and years at minimum wage because it was what I thought I deserved, I was looking after businesses that paid the dishwasher more than me who did all the cooking and was responsible for every thing in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask for more money, they knew it and were delighted to take advantage of it.
On that note it was only when I turned 70 did I learn of my true worth. as the old saying goes, to little to late.
But there is a golden side to this story, because I did what I did, and was able to get my very own little condo, I have a fairly good life, because my wants are little and my needs are with in my budget.
Yes there is a lot I missed, I do not own a car never have , don't miss it, vacations are small and limited but that is ok as well. I went through the mountain and came out stronger and much more stable than when I started

Time flys

it has been quite a while since I posted.It is also been a great year for self discovery.
I believe the most important one has been self discipline. God I hate that word, it makes my skin crawl, because in my head I see all sorts of discipline that I believed were true.
First off it was hard to maintain, second almost impossible to do.
Wrong on both counts.
The only way I could come to understand and practice it was to remember  when I used it before and bringing that success forward.
It is sort of like getting a needle, It looks awful the pain in fact is negotiable, and there after it isn't a problem.
I have become a bit better at selecting better choices, and I do not let the things fall where they may.
I have to admit my entire life has been a battle against discipline, and have paid a hefty price. but for my part it was discipline dispensed by others that I felt forced to live under. It is not that I knew better, it just went against my grain, so I threw out all forms of self care.
Now I am able to take control of my self and am a much better feeling person. 

The new old me, and how I learned to love her

it has been a good while since I have been here.Perhaps it is because I am so much more happier than I was before.
What has changed? perhaps just my attitude, and my ability to finally love myself.
I am so glad I have come to accept my self as I am, because all the railing I did in my mind didn't do one bit of a good thing, In fact I was so busy putting myself down I failed to recognized that I was a lovely woman.
Oh I am far from perfect, and never will be, but I am where I am happy with myself, and there for am happy with the world around me.
My one regret is I didn't get there many years ago, but will take what I have and be pleased.

my beliefs have changed

More and more I find myself at odds with the religious holidays.
Quite a few years ago I started to question my religious beliefs,I read a lot of posts from Atheists and agnostics. Eventually my belief had boiled down to there might have been a creator. Now I am questioning that as well.
I truly wish there was a God, but I don't believe there is.
I find myself profoundly agitated when I see and hear people asking for prayers for themselves or others. My first instinct is to tell them get off their collective asses and do something about what they want prayers for.
I am sick of hearing ministers, priests and leaders telling us to believe and have faith. I am almost positive that if there were no god they would learn to take care of them selves and others in a manner that would not require intervention or god or others.
I am appalled at the way religions is used to move, force or strike fear into the lives of believers.
In fact that was my first wayward thought, that religions was to sooth and manipulate the peoples of the earth.
To me a religion is a manipulating, fear mongering  greed fest.
It is also blatantly used to make war on people that believe other people that do not believe as the oppressors do.
History shows that almost all the religions I have researched have been the aggressors and killers of people.
How can anyone possibly in that.
I don't understand those that expect a god to help when they should be intelligent enough to work out their own problems.
I think that 90 percent of the problem would disappear if there were no religions.
there would be no panhandling of a better place after you die.
One of the best things I ever read was a man died and went to heaven and God asked hi" well what did you thing of heaven when you were alive"
That is what I believe we make our own heaven or hell.

Random thoughts of the day

I haven't written any thing for a good long while. It seems to me that I only blog when I am upset about something, and hopefully how I found the answer I needed to go back to my balanced life, if there is such a thing.
But that being said I do recommend blogging even if it is for your own sanity. I do not have any one I would trust to listen and not judge or try to fix me.
Yes I do have a wonderful daughter I can talk to but she is under enough pressure for me to put more on her shoulders. I try to do what I can to help her and most of the time that is listening to her rant ( justifiably so ). I do come up with a few word of wisdom to pass along and the choice is hers as to weather she accepts it or not.
Old age is trying to settle in and I am trying to not let that happen with out a fight.I am 73and on most days I feel like I am about 49, on not so good days, and there are not a lot of them around 65.
When I do look in the mirror I see some one in their early 70's, and yet I have met quite a lot of people who are younger than me that look a lot older.
I believe I am very fortunate to have relatively good health.
I belong to a group of mostly seniors all the way up to 94, and there are 3 ninety four year olds, until last September 2 of them drove their cars to the meetings. They both have had falls and must not drive any more, but there is a 91 year old that still does. They are my hero's, I tried to get to know them and spend time talking to them they were all  great readers, and were always looking to learn new things. I have always believed that a closed mind is a dying mind.

Interesting lesson

I just read a quote, "every thing you ever wanted is on the other side of fear"I can speak of a personal experience about this.
Very recently I applied for a grant for home renovations, not really expecting to get it. I did the paper work and got the quotes for work in my bathroom, The lowest was $17,444.00, I was shocked and a bit dazed. I have been accustomed to doing repairs in a cheap and tiny amount of work. Over all I got a fair bit of work done, but my bathroom was a different story. In the past I did replace the sink and counter top because the old one broke, a few years later I got the floor tiled and a new toilet . and yet still had a harvest gold tub and 70't plumbing.
The new work was basically for wall to wall plumbing and renovations, as well as a new tile shower with glass frame less doors.
As it stands today it is a beautiful bathroom as promised by the contractor.
Now the part about the fear, I was terrified about every step, I had to have strange people in my home, it was awful as I am a hoarder and my house is a hell of a mess. but the came and did their work, the only thing I heard was when I had apologizes for the 130 time about the mess was," I don't see a mess, I do see organized chaos ". and in so many ways this is so true.
The work was done as men and equipment and material was available, so it took about 3 1?2 weeks, at times it was frustrating as I wasn't kept in the loop, and was there fore always on edge, but I struggled through.
The biggest problem I can name was my belief that I didn't deserve this, how I came to that conclusion I will never know except I have felt that way about many things.
The end product is so lovely and I am so proud that I even push baskets and boxes away so I can show some one my new bathroom. I am now working on that I am a good person and do deserve good stuff in her life

updates,

It has been a while since I have written any thing, I believe that I write mostly when I am going through a time in my life that scares me, or frustrates me, and lately I have been doing fairly good, no problems going on now at the moment.
I now have 2 cats, Nubbins the little feral cat I found is a beautiful young male who is the joy of my life and Pip a tuxedo cat that I got from my daughter to keep Nubbins company, less mischief and damage to my place.
I am having some difficulty keeping my home neat and tidy, I have always been a bit of a hoarder and now my place is over crowed again, \. Thankfully my daughter is going to come over on Sunday and help me tame it down.
I can't honestly say where the hoarding came from but I do suspect it was from the fact that my ex husband was known for midnight moves and leaving all our belongings behind. If it weren't for my mother I would not have one picture of my first daughter who died April 3, 1968. He was also great for putting our stuff in storage and then not paying the storage fees that is how I lost pictures, keepsakes and a lot of personal belongings. I am so truly grateful he is no longer part of my life.

Some thing I want to print

Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth....in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words, in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations This requires an integrated character, a oneness, primarily with self but also with others.

Words For Parting

He is made one with Nature; there is heard His voice in all her music, from the moan Of thunder, to the song of night's sweet bird; He is a presence to be felt and known In darkness and in light, from herb and stone... He is a portion of the loveliness Which once he made more lovely. Words for Parting: 2 The courage of the early morning's dawning, And the strength of the eternal hill, And the peace of the evening's ending, And the love of God, be in our hearts. Words for Parting: 3 Farewell! The world is better for your having lived, We are better for having known you. We loved you living- we love you now. Farewell! Words for Parting: 4 Farewell, traveler. We do not know your destination but our love and gratitude go with you. Rest now- in peace- and in the love we bear you.

excellent ideas for self

written by Frank Herbert, so true

The thing the ecologically illiterate don't realize about an ecosystem is that it's a system. A system! A system maintains a certain fluid stability that can be destroyed by a misstep in just one niche. A system has order, a flowing from point to point. If something dams the flow, order collapses. The untrained miss the collapse until too late. That's why the highest function of ecology is the understanding of consequences.

7 things to remember Madison Sonnier

“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

Sometimes I am really terrible to myself and relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am.

On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential.

There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of income, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.

Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself.

I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.

The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life.

I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections.

Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over thatdon’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over.

Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human.

While my self-love journey is on-going, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself:

1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.

We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.

When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.   

2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar. 

I saw a quote once that said, “Don’t believe everything you think.” That quote completely altered the way I react when a cruel or discouraging thought goes through my mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting togive so much power to the negative ones.     

3. There is more right with you than wrong with you.

This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.”

As someone who sometimes tends to zoom in on all my perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things I like about myself too—like the fact that I’m alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever I choose.

4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least. 

This was a recent epiphany of mine, although I’m sure it’s been said many times before.

I find that it is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when I’m in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth really shifted my perspective and made me realize that love is actually the greatest gift I can receive during such times.  

5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.” 

One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot fully feel satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.

Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.

6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than on how far you have left to go.

One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that striving for success and being willing to put ourselves out there is an accomplishment within itself, regardless of how many times we fail.

Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.     

7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.

Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable.

I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand and even if you know you want to change.

You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.

Photo by KelseyyBarbara

found this on facebook, good idea

Shame , shame , on you

I just read an article about a woman who lived with shame. Sound familiar, well it sure did to me. I am 70 years old and still let shame keep me back, I allow it to rule my days and nights.
What am I ashamed of, well for one I am so ashamed of my body, I am short fat, and I believed ugly. I said I believed ugly because that is what I was told in so many words, I remember when I was around 9 years old and my mother told me to keep my hair clean as it was the only redeeming feature I had, She told me when I was 11 years old she was so ashamed of me for being so fat that she never wanted to be seen with me in public. And I made that come true. If for any reason I was with my family in a public place I walked way behind them like I wasn't even with them, When I got married I got my Aunt to drive me to the church so my mother and dad never got to be seen with me. There is only one picture of me with the family and it was taken when my younger  brother got married, I had no choice but to be in it, but the look on my face is a horror to see, I look like a rabbit caught in the light of an oncoming truck, and that is how I felt when I was sent that picture about 3 years ago. I had never seen it befor that.




I made sure that never happened with my children, and yet I can recall obsessing about my daughters weight, as well as my sons. But that was for health reasons, when I found I was doing the same with my granddaughter I knew it was time to accept my self as I am and all those around me. It is not about your looks it is about your heart and soul.