Monday, June 18, 2018
Mind will not stop yakking
Today, I am feeling sad, because I am thinking about Jim, and how much I miss him in some ways.I am not sure how to get him out of my mind, probably because some days I don't want him out. I know when I was with him I wanted him to leave, and he did, and for the most part I am ok, there are days I remember how wonderful it felt to be in his arms and in his bed. I have met several new guys, but they all seem to want me to be something else, not me, and they do not even know me, most haven't even met me, and yet they are saying I want this and I don't want that, like I am a made to order pizza. made for their pleasure and at their leisure .Some how I don't even want to meet these guys, and it makes me angry that now I have real trust issues. and that I don't know how to get rid of.
live and learn
For countless years i have had mind talk, most of which wasn't pleasant, 90%was probably criticism, bashing and shaming myself for not being up to my expectations.
I have tried to overcome this sort of torture and be kinder to my self,
A few moments ago I found myself again bashing, and thought wait a moment, most of the things I did wrong were be cause of lack of knowledge, not stupidity on myself,
I have had the time and effort to really look at what I have spent years doing and had I know how to solve and handle my problems I would have been great, or at least happier.
I promice not to bash myself becuse I didn't know this earler, live and learn
I have tried to overcome this sort of torture and be kinder to my self,
A few moments ago I found myself again bashing, and thought wait a moment, most of the things I did wrong were be cause of lack of knowledge, not stupidity on myself,
I have had the time and effort to really look at what I have spent years doing and had I know how to solve and handle my problems I would have been great, or at least happier.
I promice not to bash myself becuse I didn't know this earler, live and learn
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Lessons learned
On January 12 it would have been my 56 wedding anniversary, Had I remained married, At 4am, I woke up and couldn't think why the date was of any importance. It is and yet wasn't,
Later on in the day I talked to my daughter and told her about 56. , she was amazed to say the least, but in talking I came to realize that it wasn't the anniversary that was important, but rather the time I have been on my own.
I was married in 1962, age 19 had 3 children and left my husband in 1978. My husband kept the children, but I had to support them, and did until my children left their fathers home. He never held a job for more than 3 months.There was of course a lot of back stabbing as I was the one out there doing "my thing" that is what he told my kids mom isn't calling or visiting because I was doing my thing. My thing was working my butt off trying to keep the family in a home and fed,
It was in 1990 that I finally got to set this impression straight. and start my life on my own.I got a divorce and then started working for my future and my self.
Now there is a sad little secret in here , I was a person with extremely low self esteem, I lived in constant fear, every day when I went to work I believed I was going to be fired, and it was so bad that I gave every ounce of life I had to doing a good job. I allowed my boss's to use me and never thought about the harm it was doing to me. I worked for years and years at minimum wage because it was what I thought I deserved, I was looking after businesses that paid the dishwasher more than me who did all the cooking and was responsible for every thing in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask for more money, they knew it and were delighted to take advantage of it.
On that note it was only when I turned 70 did I learn of my true worth. as the old saying goes, to little to late.
But there is a golden side to this story, because I did what I did, and was able to get my very own little condo, I have a fairly good life, because my wants are little and my needs are with in my budget.
Yes there is a lot I missed, I do not own a car never have , don't miss it, vacations are small and limited but that is ok as well. I went through the mountain and came out stronger and much more stable than when I started
Later on in the day I talked to my daughter and told her about 56. , she was amazed to say the least, but in talking I came to realize that it wasn't the anniversary that was important, but rather the time I have been on my own.
I was married in 1962, age 19 had 3 children and left my husband in 1978. My husband kept the children, but I had to support them, and did until my children left their fathers home. He never held a job for more than 3 months.There was of course a lot of back stabbing as I was the one out there doing "my thing" that is what he told my kids mom isn't calling or visiting because I was doing my thing. My thing was working my butt off trying to keep the family in a home and fed,
It was in 1990 that I finally got to set this impression straight. and start my life on my own.I got a divorce and then started working for my future and my self.
Now there is a sad little secret in here , I was a person with extremely low self esteem, I lived in constant fear, every day when I went to work I believed I was going to be fired, and it was so bad that I gave every ounce of life I had to doing a good job. I allowed my boss's to use me and never thought about the harm it was doing to me. I worked for years and years at minimum wage because it was what I thought I deserved, I was looking after businesses that paid the dishwasher more than me who did all the cooking and was responsible for every thing in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask for more money, they knew it and were delighted to take advantage of it.
On that note it was only when I turned 70 did I learn of my true worth. as the old saying goes, to little to late.
But there is a golden side to this story, because I did what I did, and was able to get my very own little condo, I have a fairly good life, because my wants are little and my needs are with in my budget.
Yes there is a lot I missed, I do not own a car never have , don't miss it, vacations are small and limited but that is ok as well. I went through the mountain and came out stronger and much more stable than when I started
Time flys
it has been quite a while since I posted.It is also been a great year for self discovery.
I believe the most important one has been self discipline. God I hate that word, it makes my skin crawl, because in my head I see all sorts of discipline that I believed were true.
First off it was hard to maintain, second almost impossible to do.
Wrong on both counts.
The only way I could come to understand and practice it was to remember when I used it before and bringing that success forward.
It is sort of like getting a needle, It looks awful the pain in fact is negotiable, and there after it isn't a problem.
I have become a bit better at selecting better choices, and I do not let the things fall where they may.
I have to admit my entire life has been a battle against discipline, and have paid a hefty price. but for my part it was discipline dispensed by others that I felt forced to live under. It is not that I knew better, it just went against my grain, so I threw out all forms of self care.
Now I am able to take control of my self and am a much better feeling person.
I believe the most important one has been self discipline. God I hate that word, it makes my skin crawl, because in my head I see all sorts of discipline that I believed were true.
First off it was hard to maintain, second almost impossible to do.
Wrong on both counts.
The only way I could come to understand and practice it was to remember when I used it before and bringing that success forward.
It is sort of like getting a needle, It looks awful the pain in fact is negotiable, and there after it isn't a problem.
I have become a bit better at selecting better choices, and I do not let the things fall where they may.
I have to admit my entire life has been a battle against discipline, and have paid a hefty price. but for my part it was discipline dispensed by others that I felt forced to live under. It is not that I knew better, it just went against my grain, so I threw out all forms of self care.
Now I am able to take control of my self and am a much better feeling person.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
The new old me, and how I learned to love her
it has been a good while since I have been here.Perhaps it is because I am so much more happier than I was before.
What has changed? perhaps just my attitude, and my ability to finally love myself.
I am so glad I have come to accept my self as I am, because all the railing I did in my mind didn't do one bit of a good thing, In fact I was so busy putting myself down I failed to recognized that I was a lovely woman.
Oh I am far from perfect, and never will be, but I am where I am happy with myself, and there for am happy with the world around me.
My one regret is I didn't get there many years ago, but will take what I have and be pleased.
What has changed? perhaps just my attitude, and my ability to finally love myself.
I am so glad I have come to accept my self as I am, because all the railing I did in my mind didn't do one bit of a good thing, In fact I was so busy putting myself down I failed to recognized that I was a lovely woman.
Oh I am far from perfect, and never will be, but I am where I am happy with myself, and there for am happy with the world around me.
My one regret is I didn't get there many years ago, but will take what I have and be pleased.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
my beliefs have changed
More and more I find myself at odds with the religious holidays.
Quite a few years ago I started to question my religious beliefs,I read a lot of posts from Atheists and agnostics. Eventually my belief had boiled down to there might have been a creator. Now I am questioning that as well.
I truly wish there was a God, but I don't believe there is.
I find myself profoundly agitated when I see and hear people asking for prayers for themselves or others. My first instinct is to tell them get off their collective asses and do something about what they want prayers for.
I am sick of hearing ministers, priests and leaders telling us to believe and have faith. I am almost positive that if there were no god they would learn to take care of them selves and others in a manner that would not require intervention or god or others.
I am appalled at the way religions is used to move, force or strike fear into the lives of believers.
In fact that was my first wayward thought, that religions was to sooth and manipulate the peoples of the earth.
To me a religion is a manipulating, fear mongering greed fest.
It is also blatantly used to make war on people that believe other people that do not believe as the oppressors do.
History shows that almost all the religions I have researched have been the aggressors and killers of people.
How can anyone possibly in that.
I don't understand those that expect a god to help when they should be intelligent enough to work out their own problems.
I think that 90 percent of the problem would disappear if there were no religions.
there would be no panhandling of a better place after you die.
One of the best things I ever read was a man died and went to heaven and God asked hi" well what did you thing of heaven when you were alive"
That is what I believe we make our own heaven or hell.
Quite a few years ago I started to question my religious beliefs,I read a lot of posts from Atheists and agnostics. Eventually my belief had boiled down to there might have been a creator. Now I am questioning that as well.
I truly wish there was a God, but I don't believe there is.
I find myself profoundly agitated when I see and hear people asking for prayers for themselves or others. My first instinct is to tell them get off their collective asses and do something about what they want prayers for.
I am sick of hearing ministers, priests and leaders telling us to believe and have faith. I am almost positive that if there were no god they would learn to take care of them selves and others in a manner that would not require intervention or god or others.
I am appalled at the way religions is used to move, force or strike fear into the lives of believers.
In fact that was my first wayward thought, that religions was to sooth and manipulate the peoples of the earth.
To me a religion is a manipulating, fear mongering greed fest.
It is also blatantly used to make war on people that believe other people that do not believe as the oppressors do.
History shows that almost all the religions I have researched have been the aggressors and killers of people.
How can anyone possibly in that.
I don't understand those that expect a god to help when they should be intelligent enough to work out their own problems.
I think that 90 percent of the problem would disappear if there were no religions.
there would be no panhandling of a better place after you die.
One of the best things I ever read was a man died and went to heaven and God asked hi" well what did you thing of heaven when you were alive"
That is what I believe we make our own heaven or hell.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Random thoughts of the day
I haven't written any thing for a good long while. It seems to me that I only blog when I am upset about something, and hopefully how I found the answer I needed to go back to my balanced life, if there is such a thing.
But that being said I do recommend blogging even if it is for your own sanity. I do not have any one I would trust to listen and not judge or try to fix me.
Yes I do have a wonderful daughter I can talk to but she is under enough pressure for me to put more on her shoulders. I try to do what I can to help her and most of the time that is listening to her rant ( justifiably so ). I do come up with a few word of wisdom to pass along and the choice is hers as to weather she accepts it or not.
Old age is trying to settle in and I am trying to not let that happen with out a fight.I am 73and on most days I feel like I am about 49, on not so good days, and there are not a lot of them around 65.
When I do look in the mirror I see some one in their early 70's, and yet I have met quite a lot of people who are younger than me that look a lot older.
I believe I am very fortunate to have relatively good health.
I belong to a group of mostly seniors all the way up to 94, and there are 3 ninety four year olds, until last September 2 of them drove their cars to the meetings. They both have had falls and must not drive any more, but there is a 91 year old that still does. They are my hero's, I tried to get to know them and spend time talking to them they were all great readers, and were always looking to learn new things. I have always believed that a closed mind is a dying mind.
But that being said I do recommend blogging even if it is for your own sanity. I do not have any one I would trust to listen and not judge or try to fix me.
Yes I do have a wonderful daughter I can talk to but she is under enough pressure for me to put more on her shoulders. I try to do what I can to help her and most of the time that is listening to her rant ( justifiably so ). I do come up with a few word of wisdom to pass along and the choice is hers as to weather she accepts it or not.
Old age is trying to settle in and I am trying to not let that happen with out a fight.I am 73and on most days I feel like I am about 49, on not so good days, and there are not a lot of them around 65.
When I do look in the mirror I see some one in their early 70's, and yet I have met quite a lot of people who are younger than me that look a lot older.
I believe I am very fortunate to have relatively good health.
I belong to a group of mostly seniors all the way up to 94, and there are 3 ninety four year olds, until last September 2 of them drove their cars to the meetings. They both have had falls and must not drive any more, but there is a 91 year old that still does. They are my hero's, I tried to get to know them and spend time talking to them they were all great readers, and were always looking to learn new things. I have always believed that a closed mind is a dying mind.
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