alone at last

I have been waiting for this day for quite a while. Jim has moved out. This may sound odd, but he left a long time ago, he resided here but we were not together. Even in January when I begged him to go to a Councillor, the first thing I said we live together but we are not living together.
I felt more alone when he was here, than I do now, I love the idea that I have no one to look after, I don't have to think about nor worry over any one and that is a huge relief. It is so funny he was always first in my mind and I don't think I was ever in his thoughts.
Life is good

Quotes supposedly from Albert Einstein

ert Einstein

• "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
• "Imagination is more important than knowledge."
• "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
• "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
• "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
• "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
• "The only real valuable thing is intuition."
• "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."
• "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."
• "God is subtle but he is not malicious."
• "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
• "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
• "The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."
• "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
• "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
• "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
• "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
• "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
• "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
• "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."
• "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
• "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
• "God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."
• "The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
• "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."
• "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
• "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."
• "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
• "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
• "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
• "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
• "Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity."
• "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
• "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
• "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
• "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
• "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
• "In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."
• "The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
• "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves."
• "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"
• "No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"
• "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
• "Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever."
• "The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."
• "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
• "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
• "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
• "The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
• "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
• "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
• "One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
• "...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."
• "He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
• "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
• "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

Copyright: Kevin Harris 1995 (may be freely distributed with this acknowledgement)

Questions, questions questions

I have been having anxiety attacks all day , I keep going over and over what Jim told me. I can not believe that I was able to deny what I was seeing for so very long. His distancing himself, the lack of interest in me sexually, the indifference I can see it all so clearly in my mind, but wouldn't allow myself to believe that what I was seeing was true.
Today I am questioning every thing I have done and have to do, because of the poor judgement I made. I honestly believed that Jim loved me and all the rest, and now I find out it isn't nor wasn't true.
It was only because I was so frustrated with his callow feelings towards me that I asked him to leave.
Why now he choose to lay the truth on me I do know, because I asked him, and for once in our history together he gave me the truth, untouched and unvarnished. And it has destroyed my self esteem, my pride and any desire I ever had to finding any new friends.
I cannot even begin to think of tomorrow, All I do know is I want him gone ASAP.
How does one put on a happy face and think "it will be alright"?

5:30 am, reflections

Last night Jim admitted that he was unable to commit to me, this explained quite a bit to me about the distance we have had for so very long

Further to our discussion, around 4pm, I asked Jim if he ever cared for me and he said not for a very long time,And that he wished he was on his own , that he had no feeling for me what so ever.

I was so hurt, I have been living a lie for well over a year, I have been breaking my self into pieces because I couldn't seem to please him, he just became more and more distant.. 

I have to admit that I am so glad he is leaving, I feel so stupid for having put myself through all the hoops, and find out it didn't make one Iota of a difference.

I also feel betrayed because he kept making like it was my fault and it wasn't he said he is incapable of any feeling for any one, and he just wants to be on his own, 

Well I feel as if I have been kicked in the stomach and can't get my breath

Courage found

For the past several months I have know my relationship with Jim must end. Far to long have I made excuses for his irresponsible and cruel behavior.
I only asked a few simple things from him, that he respect me as his partner, That he always tell me the truth. And that he be faithful.
He in reality has never shown me any respect, I have for the most part been treated like an option, not a priority
He at first told me the truth, then it turned to telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. And faithful, well I guess that depends on your definition of faithful. If not having an intimate relationship with other women is faithful, but he had close personal friendships with a lot of single, swearing they were just friends. But to me it was emotional cheating if not the real thing.
Yesterday after I had gone to bed at 11PM.  I got up to go to the bathroom and he was gone. I went downstairs of the building and his truck was gone, He came in about 3 AM, and I asked him where he was, Answer I was down stairs working on the truck.When I said I checked down there he said I also went out. Not where or why just out. And walked away like it was no big deal. The last time his did that he was visiting a single woman upstairs at midnight.
So I decided then and there he has to go, and I told him he has to move by July 31, he wants more time but I said NO.
I have lost all feelings and respect for him. and I just want him gone, and now he will be..

feeling lost and lonely

I have a partner, but he is not a partner, nor friend, nor lover, nor even a companion.
For a very long time I would justify his bad actions and judgments, but now I can no longer do this. I am sitting here looking at the real person I foolishly took into my home. I admit I am scared stiff, because legally I guess he could own half of every thing I own, where as he brings nothing to the table. Yes he does give me $700 per month, but that doesn't even begin to cover all the new expenses, and when I discuss this with he he pleads that he has no money. LIE #1 he has saved $4000 since he moved in with me.
Lie# 2 he likes to look at all the single networks and go through the women looking. . foolishly I told my self it was harmless, he was with me, I now know he is still looking for some one else.
LIE #3, he loves to help my neighbors, as long as they are single women, I believe he has a white knight complex, but he never lifts a hand to help me unless I am there to help him, he would never think of looking around to see what needs to be done and just do it,
LIE#4, its all my fault, every time I try to bring up a problem, he winds it around until its my fault. If he sees that as real, then he doesn't belong here, and I DO WANT HIM GONE.

borrowed rom Tiny Buddha

“Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.” ~Unknown

The other day, a friend told me how his previous relationship fell apart. His girlfriend failed to disclose a major resentment based on a misconception, and instead initiated a series of arguments over little things until their relationship eventually collapsed under the weight of all that confrontation.

I explained how I practice radical honesty with my boyfriend. Essentially, I disclose everything I think and feel about him that I have trouble resolving in my head, knowing full well most of it has more to do with me.

There are times when I feel annoyed with him, but later discover I was actually angry with myself. There are times I get frustrated with him when there’s nothing he’s done–I’ve just had a difficult day. And there are other times when I doubt him, but soon realize I misinterpreted what he did or said.

A lot of people swallow these passing thoughts and judgments, or push them down to avoid making unnecessary waves. But I’ve found this can eventually lead to a tsunami of emotion when you finally crack and unleash all these unspoken grievances. They become a list of reasons to justify the distance you’ve been creating.

The alternative is to acknowledge what you’re feeling, knowing full well it may have more to do with you than him or her, and in doing so maintain intimacy and trust.

It’s really about being honest with yourself. It’s about recognizing that your mind can play tricks on you sometimes. It’s about realizing that you can be far more rational when you look at your emotions objectively. There may be times when it isn’t all on you–in those situations especially, it’s best to communicate what’s on your mind.

The truth may not always feel polite. It might make you feel vulnerable. It might feel ridiculous to express–which is precisely why it’s so powerful do to it. The best way to free yourself from resentment is to work through it and let it go

wisdom in full color

through my eyes

“Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But life looks different through everyone's eyes.” - Unknown


I found this saying on FB today and it is an excellent thought, We all see every thing different, and if we keep in mind that we do this, it will be a less stressful world. Every one is entitled to their own opinion, and I welcome that, This is also a great way to avoid negative people, because if you see yellow, they must see something else and will argue about it.
I try to keep a positive frame of mind, and sometimes it turns sour, But at least I can recognized this when it happens, and can and do something about it. It becomes more and more easy to do an attitude adjustment, when I am aware of my negative thoughts.
As well I love to read inspirational  motivating thoughts that people post. Most have a wonderful lesson in each tint post  

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. - Steve Jobs

I think this thought is great, it can be interpreted,so many different ways

the way I see it is is if you are trying to please some one else at the expense of your happiness they you are living for some one else. And I am doing this as I write, and the longer I do this the worse I feel about myself. I am living a lie, and this is not good for me,

I do not know how to get out of this situation, and that is adding further stress, and with my dementia I do not need more stress in my life
I know that iit is fear about how he will react if I tell him to leave, but inorder to live the life I want and need I have to, right now life is awful


"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards." ~ Vernon Law~

I could write volumes on this thought, And how "Experience" has been my hard teacher. But on the other hand I am grateful for this because I need to learn the lesson.
Some one can tell you, warn you, direct you, to do something, but until you actually experience it you haven't got the idea what it is all about.
The best example is: to know what it is like to have a baby, You have to have a baby, because every other woman's experience is , or was different than you own. And even then it will very likely be different for you the next time as well. That is just the way it is.
And that is the way it is in real life, we can pretend, we can lie to our selves, we can do every sort of thing, but until we experience it we are just surmising, and that is guaranteed to be different than any real experience.
The only answer is if it is important to you to know "What is" then do it and find out.
Going around and asking friends, family "experts" is fine but until you put one foot in front of the other you will not know.
One note of warning, before you jump in the pool of water at least do some research on it to find out any dangers you might encounter. Big rocks and sharp objects might be below the surface, and when it comes to any danger error on the side of caution. If you learn to use your own judgement and it has served you well then you are at least on the right track

Dalai Lama's 18 rules for living

1. Dalai Lama’s 18 rules for living  
2.   
3. At the start of the new millennium the Dalai Lama apparently issued eighteen rules for living.  
4.   
5. 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.  
6.    2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.  
7.    3. Follow the three Rs:  
8.          1. Respect for self  
9.          2. Respect for others  
10.          3. Responsibility for all your actions.  
11.    4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.  
12.    5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.  
13.    6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.  
14.    7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.  
15.    8. Spend some time alone every day.  
16.    9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.  
17.   10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.  
18.   11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.  
19.   12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.  
20.   13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.  
21.   14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.  
22.   15. Be gentle with the earth.  
23.   16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.  
24.   17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.  
25.   18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.