I do not remember the last time I did a post, Today is January 28,2023, On Jan 17 one day before my birthday I had a mini stroke, I choose to dismiss it because the symptoms usually went away in a few hours or a day. Not so much this time I am still feeling way off center, and have allowed the consequences of the stroke to scare the living life out of me.

I find that almost every decision I make is a guess/judgement of time, and that always seems to be a very short time, I find myself saying well I won't buy this because I might not be alive to receive it next week, and this is scarring the hell out of me. I do have chats with self but it is not working, and I do not know how to deal with this,

There is no way that I have proof that I will die  very soon, nor do I have proof that I have years ahead of me. that being said I guess that I must find a way of accepting what is going on and hope/work for the best, I am going to act like I have all the time in the world and enjoy it rather than run scared and helpless. I wish myself all the best 

Open my eyes that I may see the beautiful gifts I have for the

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A few days ago I sat on the edge of hell, it was hideous, evil, and a horror show. A soft voice beside me told me I was born loving, caring but I could/would not take the pill. My friend was standing in hell and I gave him the message compassionate person, but that I had been led astray in my quest to help
Today is May 19 and the vision that I had is fading away and I still worry about my friend as he chose to remain where he was. I was so devastated that I could /would not watch him be destroyed, and for a month I never spoke to him. We are speaking again but it like I have lost all feelings for him. I tried so many times and failed them all. so now I speak but do not worry near as much as before,
I guess it is true that we make our own fate.
Speaking of switch I have found a new friend he is a lovely man but I know very little about him so no rushing and hurry to get involved. Yes I want a companion but will it work out I have no idea, only time will tell. I do have good feelings about him again time will tell

Think before you act

I know it takes me a few time to get something right. Particularly when it involves Jim. I believed I was very angry with him and just couldn't let it go. Then I had my ah-ha moment it wasn't Jim I was angry with it was at myself for falling for his same old BS.
I had somehow convinced myself that he had changed. Of course, he hadn't. All I had to do was remember him talking about his childhood and how he took off and left his sisters to do whatever he was supposed to do. They covered his butt because he was always playing hooky from school and didn't do what he was supposed to do. He found out that they would do almost anything to keep him from getting a beating. Talk about "spare the rod and spoil the child ".
I honestly believe he has spent his life finding women and manipulating them to take care of him.
With that knowledge gained I believe I will not fall for this "Oh poor me" routine.
And I can honestly say I am really happy I figured this out, I hated being angry and resentful all the time.
So good on for me, and I hope I remember this because he will return. He always does

saw this and thought how beautiful, didn't meant to steal it just love it

Mind will not stop yakking

Today, I am feeling sad, because I am thinking about Jim, and how much I miss him in some ways.I am not sure how to get him out of my mind, probably because some days I don't want him out. I know when I was with him I wanted him to leave, and he did, and for the most part I am ok, there are days I remember how wonderful it felt to be in his arms and in his bed. I have met several new guys, but they all seem to want me to be something else, not me, and they do not even know me, most haven't even met me, and yet they are saying I want this and I don't want that, like I am a made to order pizza. made for their pleasure and at their leisure .Some how I don't even want to meet these guys, and it makes me angry that now I have real trust issues. and that I don't know how to get rid of.

live and learn

For countless years i have had mind talk, most of which wasn't pleasant, 90%was probably criticism, bashing and shaming myself for not being up to my expectations.
I have tried to overcome this sort of torture and be kinder to my self,
A few moments ago I found myself again bashing, and thought wait a moment, most of the things I did wrong were be cause of lack of knowledge, not stupidity on myself,
I have had the time and effort to really look at what I have spent years doing and had I know how to solve and handle my problems I would have been great, or at least happier.
I promice not to bash myself becuse I didn't know this earler, live and learn

Lessons learned

On January 12 it would have been my 56 wedding anniversary, Had I remained married, At 4am, I woke up and couldn't think why the date was of any importance. It is and yet wasn't,
Later on in the day I talked to my daughter and told her about 56. , she was amazed to say the least, but in talking I came to realize that it wasn't the anniversary that was important, but rather the time I have been on my own.
I was married in 1962, age 19 had 3 children and left my husband in 1978. My husband kept the children, but I had to support them, and did until my children left their fathers home. He never held a job for more than 3 months.There was of course a lot of back stabbing as I was the one out there doing "my thing" that is what he told my kids mom isn't calling or visiting because I was doing my thing. My thing was working my butt off trying to keep the family in a home and fed,
It was in 1990 that I finally got to set this impression straight. and  start my life on my own.I got a divorce and then started working for my future and my self.
Now there is a sad little secret in here , I was a person with extremely low self esteem, I lived in constant fear, every day when I went to work I believed I was going to be fired, and it was so bad that I gave every ounce of life I had to doing a good job. I allowed my boss's to use me and never thought about the harm it was doing to me. I worked for years and years at minimum wage because it was what I thought I deserved, I was looking after businesses that paid the dishwasher more than me who did all the cooking and was responsible for every thing in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask for more money, they knew it and were delighted to take advantage of it.
On that note it was only when I turned 70 did I learn of my true worth. as the old saying goes, to little to late.
But there is a golden side to this story, because I did what I did, and was able to get my very own little condo, I have a fairly good life, because my wants are little and my needs are with in my budget.
Yes there is a lot I missed, I do not own a car never have , don't miss it, vacations are small and limited but that is ok as well. I went through the mountain and came out stronger and much more stable than when I started