Lessons learned

On January 12 it would have been my 56 wedding anniversary, Had I remained married, At 4am, I woke up and couldn't think why the date was of any importance. It is and yet wasn't,
Later on in the day I talked to my daughter and told her about 56. , she was amazed to say the least, but in talking I came to realize that it wasn't the anniversary that was important, but rather the time I have been on my own.
I was married in 1962, age 19 had 3 children and left my husband in 1978. My husband kept the children, but I had to support them, and did until my children left their fathers home. He never held a job for more than 3 months.There was of course a lot of back stabbing as I was the one out there doing "my thing" that is what he told my kids mom isn't calling or visiting because I was doing my thing. My thing was working my butt off trying to keep the family in a home and fed,
It was in 1990 that I finally got to set this impression straight. and  start my life on my own.I got a divorce and then started working for my future and my self.
Now there is a sad little secret in here , I was a person with extremely low self esteem, I lived in constant fear, every day when I went to work I believed I was going to be fired, and it was so bad that I gave every ounce of life I had to doing a good job. I allowed my boss's to use me and never thought about the harm it was doing to me. I worked for years and years at minimum wage because it was what I thought I deserved, I was looking after businesses that paid the dishwasher more than me who did all the cooking and was responsible for every thing in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask for more money, they knew it and were delighted to take advantage of it.
On that note it was only when I turned 70 did I learn of my true worth. as the old saying goes, to little to late.
But there is a golden side to this story, because I did what I did, and was able to get my very own little condo, I have a fairly good life, because my wants are little and my needs are with in my budget.
Yes there is a lot I missed, I do not own a car never have , don't miss it, vacations are small and limited but that is ok as well. I went through the mountain and came out stronger and much more stable than when I started

Time flys

it has been quite a while since I posted.It is also been a great year for self discovery.
I believe the most important one has been self discipline. God I hate that word, it makes my skin crawl, because in my head I see all sorts of discipline that I believed were true.
First off it was hard to maintain, second almost impossible to do.
Wrong on both counts.
The only way I could come to understand and practice it was to remember  when I used it before and bringing that success forward.
It is sort of like getting a needle, It looks awful the pain in fact is negotiable, and there after it isn't a problem.
I have become a bit better at selecting better choices, and I do not let the things fall where they may.
I have to admit my entire life has been a battle against discipline, and have paid a hefty price. but for my part it was discipline dispensed by others that I felt forced to live under. It is not that I knew better, it just went against my grain, so I threw out all forms of self care.
Now I am able to take control of my self and am a much better feeling person.