borrowed from Jonathan Mead

I love this piece, it describes me to a tee, I am a huge fan of Byron Katie, and she says that if you believe "what is, is" and quite fighting, for something that isn't, then our road will smooth out immediately.
The following borrowed piece just gives us some way to live in the "Now" and what to look for, Love it and I hope you do as well.

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Jonathan Mead

“Nothing reduces the odds against you like ignoring them.” ~Robert Brault

Do you ever wake up feeling like you’re battling yourself?

What’s worse is waking up in that battle and feeling like you’ve already lost before you’ve even started the day.

But think about that for a second: isn’t living this way crazy? We think it’s normal to be fighting ourselves. We’re taught we need to grind it out and make something of ourselves to be successful. We’re taught we need to become something.

And the underlying message is this: who we are right now isn’t good enough.

We’re starving for acceptance, but see ourselves as flawed, and we end up spending our lives in a quest to prove ourselves to the world and to ourselves.

THE FALLACY OF NEEDING TO EARN YOUR FREEDOM

When I was a kid I felt radically wild and free. And I bet you did too. But I also would bet that something changed and you don’t feel as free as you once did.

As a curious, adventurous lad, I felt like I could do anything, be anything, and create whatever I wanted. My imagination was my only limit.

But then somewhere along the way I started to hear the voices of my parents, teachers, and adults around me send contrary messages.

I needed to…

• Get good grades to prove my intelligence (and my worth).
• Do what’s right (follow the pages of an old book) and not misbehave to prove my goodness.
• Conform to socially-approved behavior to show that I was a valuable member of society.

Basically, I began to transform from a wild, starry-eyed child into a fully domesticated, trained human.

And that is where the battle starts. Don Miguel Ruiz calls this inner battle The Voice of Knowledge. Erwan Le Corre calls this the Human Zoo Predicament.

One voice is telling you to be wild, free, liberated—Do what you want! Follow your desires!—while the other voice chides and judges: That’s not practical. You must follow the template! Don’t venture off the path!

But is it possible that these competing voices could be harmonized?

THE 7 KEYS TO START BETTING ON YOURSELF

I knew I had to reconcile these disparate voices if I wanted to regain my freedom. I couldn’t stand to live in a warzone—especially if I’m carrying that battle with me everywhere I go.

If I want to live a happy, prosperous, and awesome life, I can’t do that while being my own greatest enemy. I need to be 100% on my own side and bet on myself.

Here are the seven keys I’ve found are necessary to start betting on yourself and reclaim your personal freedom:

1. Start the day on your side.

This is critical. The first thing in the day, do something to start on your side. Say, “I love you” while looking in the mirror. Write a page in your journal about all the awesome qualities you love about yourself. Do something to show yourself your loyalty to… yourself.

2. Make time for what brings you bliss.

The judging voice in our mind loves to see us do only what’s practical. You must win, and you win by being better and doing more, the judge loves to say. But getting things done isn’t what life is all about. Make time first for what brings you bliss, then start making love to your to-do list.

3. Honor the things you can’t measure.

We tend to not give ourselves credit for the stuff we do that isn’t measurable or trackable. That’s absurd. Is there no value in hugging a child, marveling at leaves in the wind, or lying in bed with your lover? Remember, just because it doesn’t fit on a spreadsheet or calendar doesn’t make it obsolete.

4. Be mindful.

Without mindfulness, you won’t even notice when you’re being your own enemy. Practicing awareness of your thoughts, beliefs, and patterns is the only path to change.

5. Be kind.

Seriously, you must be kind to yourself. If someone was insulting you or abusing you, you’d probably walk away, right? But how often do we take this abuse from ourselves? Since you can’t walk away from yourself (not that I know of, anyway), you must learn to be kind to yourself and give up trying to live up to your image of perfection.

6. Give your gift to yourself.

Whatever your gift is, you need to give it to yourself. Whether your gift is being a great champion for others, identifying the genius in people, or getting to the root of disharmony, make sure you give this blessing to yourself as well. You’ll also be able to give more deeply when you’re fully supported and energized.

7. Be diligent.

The voice of judgment is a tireless beast. It will stick around, lurking in the shadows and sneakily emerging when you least expect it. However, the better you get at ignoring this voice, the more it’ll start to get the point. Just remember, no one’s ever raised a statue of a critic. What this voice has to say can’t matter very much.

THE TRUE DEFINITION OF MADNESS (THAT WE’RE NOT TOLD)

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. I disagree.

I believe the definition of insanity is battling against yourself every day. Why not try being your own supporter and champion, and bet on yourself for a change?

I believe you have greatness within you. And I believe the key to unlocking that greatness is by becoming your own greatest ally.

Over to you: Have you ever felt like you wake up battling yourself? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

borrowed from Ian Lawton

There’s a scene in the movie Anchorman, where Ron Burgundy tries to explain to Veronica how San Diego got its name. After she rubbishes his first crazy theory he tries to tell her that the real translation of San Diego was lost centuries ago.

She says,  “Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?” To which he says, “Agree to disagree.”

Agreeing to disagree is a powerful communication technique, and not just out of laziness or ignorance like Ron Burgundy. Its one of the ways we can stay friends with people who have very different ideas, and one of the ways we can stay sane in families full of diverse, outspoken people.

It happened to me just recently. She just wouldn’t let it go; like a dog with a bone. I thought we were done, and I had moved on. It was something we tried and it didn’t pan out. So in my mind we had agreed to disagree and go our separate ways. But then she kept writing, with more and more reasons why she was right and I was wrong.

It reminded me of the Zen story about two monks traveling through woods.

They come upon a woman standing at the bank of a river. She needs to get across, but is unable to make it alone. The elder of the two monks picks her up and carries her through the rushing water. Once they’re safely on the other side, the woman goes on her way. The younger monk is stunned. Its part of their vows that they’re not allowed to touch women , and he doesn’t know what to make of his older friend’s behavior.

Finally, after stewing over the incident for several miles, he says to his traveling companion, “How could you touch that woman back at the river the way you did? Have you no respect for our vows?” The elder monk turns to his young friend and says, “Are you still carrying that woman? I put her down at the river bank over an hour ago.”

The older monk had no need to argue the point. He had moved on. Sometimes peace of mind is more important than right and wrong. Imagine how many of our conflicts would end the minute we stopped carrying ancient history around in our hearts, put down the past and the need to be right, and moved on?

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve had your own experiences, likely on both sides of it. A relationship ends but one or both parties can’t truly let go until they feel “right” and the other person feels”wrong”. You find yourself in an argument, fighting a battle that doesn’t really matter to you, but you fight on anyway.

These sorts of fights are hard to end once two or more egos start butting heads. So how do we get beyond butting egos?

5 Ways to Agree to Disagree

Here are 5 principles for dealing with conflict, ways you can master yourself enough to know which battles are worth fighting, which are better left alone, and how to handle them.

1. Don’t attend every argument you’re invited to.

We try to draw each other into conflict.We bate each other. It makes us feel powerful. So refuse to play the game. Feel secure enough in yourself that you don’t need drama to feel alive. Once you give yourself permission NOT to enter the fray at every opportunity you allow yourself time to think about whether this is really something worth fighting for.

2. Do no harm, but take no shit.

Anger is almost ALWAYS a case of mistaken identity. Most conflict directed towards us is a projection of another person’s frustration. Be kind to others when you sense this happening, but don’t buy into it. Just wish them well and move on. Getting involved in other peoples’ anger is like the Irishman who found two people brawling in the street and asked, “Is this a private fight or can anyone get involved?” Another person’s anger is NOT your fight. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is about leaving other people to deal with their own issues and choosing not to buy into it.

3. Own Your Own Shit

Other people don’t usually cause you pain. Intentionally or not, they remind you of pain you already had; pain that may have decades of history behind it, and it’s too painful to really address, so it just turns up all over your life, a shadow lurking in every dark corner. You fight the shadows, but of course there’s nothing real there. Once you learn to recognize (and own) your own pain, reasons for conflict disappear and agreeing to disagree becomes easy.

4. Respect Others Perspectives Without Giving Up Your Own

Aristotle said it well,

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

There is a way that everyone can win, without anyone giving up their values. It’s called empathy. The beautiful thing about empathy is that you can feel another persons pain as if its your own and this empathy brings compassion, but you don’t have to save them or solve their problem. You can understand another person’s perspective without giving up your own. You can respect another person’s opinion without agreeing with them.

 5. Separate the person from the perspective

Lets face it, we all have our moments. We all say things we regret. We all change our minds. If we see each other with compassion, then we can forgive an awful lot of what happens. See people are people first, and then you have a frame of compassion to hold any perspective.

San Diego IS probably named after a Portuguese explorer, but it doesn’t really matter. The woman I mentioned earlier can continue to think I’m wrong. It’s fine. In the end, for her sake, I hope she sees a bigger picture. But I can’t control that. So I wish her well, refuse to buy into her conflict and move on with a clear mind.

Being right is fine. Its part of standing up for your convictions. But being right at the right time and for the right reasons and doing it in the right way, now that’s mastery.

Agreed? If not, its okay. We can agree to disagree!